Sunday, 25 January 2015

Road Trip!

Howdy. I am back. Back from the road trip. The funeral. Remember? I like this style of blogging. There are many that do it. That. Is. Use. Lots of full stops. I shall stop as its very irritating.

On Thursday, I dropped the kids off at school and awaited my carriage to take me to sunny Matlock. Although it wasn't a carriage it was a fancy pants car driven by my Auntie - a Jaguar no less. Now I'm no car snob but it was a very comfy ride I have to say. And as for sunny will lets just replace that with snowy.

Pretty as a Christmas Card. We embraced the snow!
Prior to booking our B&B I did mention to said Auntie that should it snow we might not be able to make the 22% gradient to our chosen B&B or negotiate the country lanes to get to the 22% gradient. Like any sensible persons we totally disregarded, in the full knowledge, the back wheel drive of this comfy car was wholly unsuitability for such a location. "Its got lovely views" we chimed even though our room was at the back of the house and we weren't in the residence for more than an hour - excluding sleep time. This is how we roll us women. Accept it. You cannot change our warped logic.

It wasn't snowing as we entered Derby. The snow had arrived. We found this rather amusing and my Auntie slowed down so I could take various fun shots of the snow to upload on facebook. We had told my dad there was no snow in Derby and to get over yourself. Oh how we laughed. The roads were clear. Snow was good.

"go on there's no one behind me" Taking snaps along the way
Until that is, we had to go down the one track country lane to get to our chosen locale.  My Auntie thought it funny to say her back tyres were slipping all over the place as we gingerly headed down the track. Various expletives followed. Later, she admitted she was only joking.  In any event, we arrived in one piece and congratulated ourselves that we were still alive and the Jaguar was in tact.

The B&B was lovely and my Auntie's cousin greeted us on our arrival. Little did he know that he would become (as we affectionately called him) "our bitch" for the duration of our stay.  The bumbling cousins - not 1st but 2nd as well - had arrived.  

Being a true gentleman we followed behind his suitable 4 x 4 for this terrain to Matlock town centre. We enjoyed a lovely coffee together and reminisced about his father and his brother. We met up with my parents and wondered around the town. "oh a river" "oh a butchers" "oh the hills" - I'm sure he thought christ have this lot ever seen anything out of London!  

My Aunties poor cousin had to endure us taking snaps of various Matlock landmarks that tickled our fancy!
When we headed back to the B&B we had to negotiate the 22% gradient head on (we had entered via the lane at the top of the hill previously). As we entered the first hair pin bend the car started going backwards and we both started squeeling. I said "hit the excellerator" as had vaguely remembered in snow school (aka hubster) that you have to keep the car moving. My Auntie offered me a chance to drive to which I declined given that I do not have a good track record in snow = have crashed before now. However, we were chuffed when the car started to play ball. We entered another bend and were now at the steepest part when...

...some twat in a 4 x 4 was also coming down the hill. The words "we'll be alright as long as no one comes our way" were ringing in our ears having only been spoken a few minutes earlier. Urgh we had to stop and there was a deadly stand off. We weren't moving. He wasn't moving. I got out and asked Derby man if he could move into a drive so we could get back. He said no. NO! I mustered all my strength not to start calling him a Northern Wanker and also refrained from breaking out into my best East End gangster type voice that Ronnie and Reggie would have been proud of and said "but you've got a 4x4 and she's got a rear wheel drive". No he wasn't budging he said "she has to reverse all the way back down".

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we should have just switched off the engine. But being good citizens we attempted to do as we were told. However, the car was having none of it and it started to slip and slide and was very attracted to a nearby wall.  In any event, we had to stop as the car was going to get it. The arsehole then reversed, at speed, back up the hill never to be seen again. Then I indulged in a bit of Cockney and shouted "Wanker!"

When retelling the story to the hubster I said "maybe he thought I was a posh southerner what with the Jag and all." To which he replied "no one is ever going to think that once you start opening your mouth!" before cracking up.

Thankfully, a nice Derby man came out and put a bit of carpet under the tyres and we managed to get back to our location. This was after I had phoned our cousin to come back and help us - he was only a minute away when I told him we were fine now! Poor bloke. Thankfully he came and collected us for the evening and dropped us back. The lovely B&B man also drove the car down for us when we left.

This story was probably re-told about 6 times during our stay so I thought a 7th wouldn't hurt.

We can not reverse nor got forward whilst 4 x 4 twat man sits and waits up the hill. Even in our peril we capture the moment!

We had a lovely day and night. The funeral wasn't so much fun but it was a lovely comforting service in a 11th century church - although I haven't been so cold in a very long time. We got back in one piece and switched off the Satnav when she piped up "keep right for central London".

On the diet front, I didn't over eat or drink but it did mean I didn't get to do 2 x days of my jogging programme so I'm going to re-start week 3 tomorrow.

Until next time...


  1. Now that's a funny story! I can see it now. Glad you and the car got back from your travels up north unscathed. X