Thursday, 19 December 2013

Top Ten Christmas Rants

OK, its been a while. I've gone all light and fluffy on you. Just when I think I've written everything that could possibly get right on my tits then Christmas comes along and BHAM I'm back to my best! Now before you all think I'm a miserable bastard the Top Ten listed below are not exclusive and range between mildly irritating to down right explosive. I should have a rating system like they do for curry's shouldn't I? In fact, that's what I'm going to do. You will see a number in brackets with 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest rant factor.

So here goes.....

1. The Christmas Martyr 

You all know one and they are generally female. In fact, what bloke would be a Christmas Martyr? I shouldn't coco.  Talking of which would Chanel ditch their lame attempts of trying to shift Chanel No 5 based on Marilyn Monroe wearing it. Its rankton and smells like an old granny hence why it was popular with 30 somethings in the 1960's as those women are now very old or have croaked it.

Back to the Martyr. This is the woman that strolls on up to you, usually outside some type of school premises, and proceeds to tell you that they have been so busy making personalised Xmas food gifts, charity work, mince pies, taken the kids to Lapland and back, danced with Reindeers, bought an elf costume to greet the kids from school and any Xmas cliche you could possibly imagine. Then they sigh, huff, puff and say "I'm so bloody knackered and I wouldn't mind but I just haven't got any time to be doing this blah blah." Well NEWSFLASH oh Martyr one DON'T!! No one cares!!  The only person that needs to be doing this is you and you secretly love it so quit your moaning and bugger off back to Lapland for the weekend. (4)

2. The Facebook Check In's 

Facebook and hands up we're ALL guilty of it can be a Christmas keeping up with the Jone's nightmare. I am guilty of posting foodie pics which no doubt (and I'm not doing this intentionally) probably makes someone feel they should do some baking. When why should you unless you actually enjoy it?

No matter how hard you resist there is a tiny part of you that thinks mmm maybe we should have booked to see Father Christmas at Harrods (in the summer mind) or the winter wonderland at Hyde Park, Hamleys, Ice-skating at Somerset House (my personal oh should take the kids is this one) and let's not forget the Panto.  IGNORE it all! Seriously, you know the image is not all its cracked up to be. You know, in your non-Facebook head, that going to Hamelys on the train with the kids at Christmas time is not going to be pleasant. Its ugly man, just ugly. You KNOW that the winter wonderland is just an overpriced fun fair with fairy lights and will be heaving with people making out they're having perfect family Christmas fun. Do they mention that they feel well and truly fleeced, the queues are a nightmare, the kids are whinging because they're cold, one's got the right cob on for no reason and the trains are all packed with commuters resentful that your little fuckers darlings are on the train in the first place?  I know a mum who went to Lapland with her kids and said it was bloody freezing and just the worst experience ever.  Stick the telly on, batten down the hatches and give Facebook a virtual finger. (3)

3. The Weight Gain

I've only got to start thinking about Christmas and the pounds are piling on. Technically it should be one bigger meal on 25 December but it so isn't. Its a big food fest from early December onwards. Its like all logic and reasoning on the food front goes out the window and we forget that January is only a couple of weeks away.  The weight can take until March to come off.  Rein it in. Its not worth it. She says. Watch this space. My goal for Christmas is not to put any on (which is currently working) but for how long? (5)

4. The "I've Eaten So Much" Brigade

Closely linked to the above but these people are slim. They say they have eaten SO much. They can't stop eating. They've indulged in everything that has been offered and more. Let me tell you something, guaranteed they will weigh the same or less at the end of the Christmas period.  Something ain't stacking up is it sisters. Clearly they don't consume more calories than their body can burn up. I put it to you, The I've Eaten So Much Brigade, that you doth protest too much and in fact are telling fucking porky pigs in blankets. (3)

5. The Christmas Card Slacker

I'm ahead of myself on this one my friends - here's last year's post on the matter. (4)

6. The Get It, Wrap It and I'll give you the Money Later Buyer

Like I haven't got enough to be doing (who's the Martyr now?!) that this person asks you to buy the gift, get it delivered and wrap it and give to your child. Yes, I'm grateful for the present but would be even more grateful if you do the above.  Having said this, I have fallen into that category this year with my mother - but that doesn't count! (3)

7. The Christmas Countdowns

Again, ahead of myself - see this post also closely linked to Facebook (5)

8. The Christmas Jumper

Granted I liked it last year, I actually bought a Rudolph one but I actually look a right twat in it. I stand by my views that you can get away with it if you are on the right side of 35. I would put it in the same caterogory as the onesie (see this post) and ballet pumps. They are so popular now they are going back to their full naffness rather than a quirky coolness. The fairisle sweater is the way forward for those of us who are never going to see the 30's again. (3)

9. The Faffy Bits 

You know the bits you forget (guess what yup moaned about this before). The person you forgot to write a card to, the teachers presents, tags, almonds, lemons, cream, the postman's tip and all those faffy bits that creep up at the last knockings (3)

10.  The Child Like Adult

This one is closely linked to the Martyr, the Onesie wearer and the Christmas Countdowns. These irritating adult sized children stick their tree up in November and are squealing like guinea pigs for weeks. They clap their hands at any mention of Father Christmas, presents and twinkling lights. They ruin the whole meaning of Christmas with their commercial Christmas rammed down your throat. They need to eat a big dose of humble pie. I recommend news reports on the real world (remember the one which doesn't have elfs skipping around) and wish Santa brings them a present which makes them grow the fuck up. (5)

Please feel free to add any of your personal favourites. Oh and....

(that's another one saying it too early!)


  1. Love thi post. It made me smile. My personal gripe (and I'm aware it sounds awful!) is that mum laws by my daughter exactly the same amount as Santa does. And then tell her that Santa has left her some presents at their house. I don't want to cause arguments, but to me Santa only comes once, to our house. I find that really frutrating. Xxx

    1. Thank you - you are quite correct of course he only comes to your house!! I forgot to write about the 'out-laws' a friend of mine has hers coming to stay from 24th to 4th January and likes to just sit in the sofa - I think it may end in tears! x

  2. Brilliant! I'm with you on all of this, but you express it so much better than I could!

    1. Thank you Sarah - I think I could have gone on and on and totally forgot Christmas Expectations as in have them set to zero and everything then is a bonus! x

  3. That's my girl, Natasha. Feel better now you've had a lovely rant? I am doing a very low key Xmas this year - that's the plan anyway. For the first time in living memory the lunch is not being done by moi but by my sister - who usually dodges it - so here's to a good one for us both

    1. Much thank you Carole! Good for you! Enjoy having a meal cooked for you this year! x

  4. It's good to have you back lady! Yes I agree with most of those, I do love Christmas but it can all get a bit too much. I always think about being a martyr in August time but then time flies and I am always last minute dot com like I am with everything else.

    1. Thank you my dear, the best way to be - no need to be planning it in August! x