Sunday, 11 November 2012

Ban the Tooth Fairy

Who came up with the shit idea to leave a child some money if their tooth fell out? I want to have a word with them if you please.  I am crap at being the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy has got some seriously bad press in this house and justifiably so. I always forget to put a coin under the pillow and I feel really guilty the next morning. Sort yourself out woman - how difficult is it to remember to put some money under the pillow? My husband helpfully pointed out that he'd noticed I often miss the fairy deadline. Well my dear you be the sodding tooth fairy then!

Look you can even knit your own Tooth Fairy - If I were the Tooth Fairy I would like to look like this! Pic ebay
On Thursday my daughter's tooth fell out and I did the usual "put it under your pillow and the Tooth Fairy will come." My son has taken it upon himself to value teeth depending on what they are for example molars £1, bottom teeth 50p and so on. I don't know how or when this tooth pricing came about but I stood my ground and said "no, the tooth fairy leaves £1 (or is it 50p?) she doesn't value them on the types they are."

Now my daughter had 3 bottom teeth extracted when she was just 18 months - no I don't feed her sweets and shit. That's another post when kids teeth are extracted because "they're not growing properly" not the ten ton of sugar you give them then? She fell from a step and landed head first into the grass which ripped her bottom three teeth out from the root. It was awful, blood everywhere, they were just hanging there and she screamed all the way to A&E. They were removed a day later. Luckily they were her baby teeth but the adult ones have grown albeit a bit yellow inside. I kept those teeth in a little jar until my daughter decided to put all three under the pillow to fool the Tooth Fairy into thinking they were recent ones. Genius. I like her thinking but I had to explain that the Tooth Fairy knows if they are 'fresh' teeth and that was the reason she didn't come that night. See what I mean? A labyrinth of lies all because so dick came up with the notion of a Tooth Fairy.

In any event, she said she wasn't going to put this tooth under her pillow as she wanted to make up for the ones that were taken from my jar and were subsequently lost.  Great I don't have to be the Tooth Fairy for a good while. This was short lived as on Friday she decided she would, after all, put the tooth under her pillow. The Tooth Fairy went to bed and woke up with my daughter upset that the Tooth Fairy hadn't been. Shit. Forgot again.

The lies started along the lines of well if you first decide not to put a tooth under the pillow she's not sure that when you do that you actually want your tooth to go.  Then when that wasn't washing so well I said I'd probably scared the Tooth Fairy when I went to the toilet (true) and she'd be back tomorrow. What a palarva. 

I can remember all the usual stuff like Halloween, fireworks etc. I can even remember to leave out presents on Christmas Eve and the children's birthdays but I cannot, for the life of me, remember to put a coin under my kids pillow if their tooth falls out. 

The Tooth Fairy has got a bad reputation for that reason and I am always (funny that) sticking up for her. She was probably busy with the unprecedented teeth that fell out this week, I think she heard me when I got up last night so she flew away but will be back tomorrow, sometimes she runs out of coins and has to go to the bank to stock up, sometimes all Tooth Fairies go on strike if they've been working too hard and not getting a break and so it goes on.

I hate the frigging Tooth Fairy. I can take the lies no more.  The Tooth Fairy isn't magical in this house she's a temperamental trade Unionist and I am sick of her.

Please, please can we just ban the Tooth Fairy?!