Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Coffee, Its just Coffee!
Something has got my goat. What really? No surely not? Yup tis true I am hacked off about something and that something is coffee.
I love this clip of Larry David ordering a coffee - "give me one of those bullshit, mocca, cappa, bullshit things" just sums up the absurdity of coffee shops. I hadn't been in one for a while up until very recently when my friend, who is a Starbucks Officialnardo, took me to the place that sells that unique drink....wait for it....coffee, milk and hot water.
It was very much like my Kentucky (as told in my Frazzle Attack post) and McDonalds experiences. As I don't go in these places that often I find the whole experience to be very daunting and confusing. There are so many frigging meal deals screaming out at you - then there are the hard core meal dealers breathing down your neck and you don't have time to read the menus properly and the person behind the till is thinking how don't you know your way around a McDonald's menu you freak and argghhhhh! I purposely didn't put any punctuation in that just to give you a taste of my trauma whilst visiting these places. To my dismay Starbucks is exactly the same unless you have an Officialnardo like my friend to guide you through the process.
So you enter and again you have no time to read the menu as the staff assume you know what you want as you're always in there. I'm not. Its just coffee, hot water and milk. If I want a coffee I put the kettle on and drink it out of a nice cup. A whole business empire has been built on this basic drink with a few bells and whistles. I mean I could understand it if they were selling some fantastic new discovery drink but coffee?!
Back to Starbucks. Its like a little conveyor belt and you're meant to know the set up. I don't. So whilst they do do crisps, muffins and giant cookies they don't do sandwiches. What is with that? No prawn mayo on wholemeal? There are bacon sarnies though - posh ones on fancy bread. My friend asked for the free frothy milk for the kids - see never would have known that. The kids can even get in on the coffee house experience. I ordered a normal cappuccino - they don't call them small, medium, large they call them "tall" and "grand". They don't bring it over and you don't even get it there and then. You have to go to the little high or shall I say "tall" table and collect it and you're meant to know which one is yours. Then you have to finish off the coffee yourself i.e chocolate powder on top or you can have some spices instead. Phew - it was fine and yes I know its more about having a chat over a cuppa. I do like our local coffee shop as its not confusing - you order a coffee. They bring it over. You sit on a nice leather seat. Simple.
Now my coffee rant doesn't stop there. Teachers and coffee and no doubt workers and coffee are going to get it in what I can only describe as 'on the go coffee.' They are so desperate for a coffee they have to move with a cup surgically attached to their hand. Drink your coffee before you get to work or when you are at work. Are you that desperate for a coffee that you have to walk with the frigging thing?! Get up earlier to fit in your coffee. I've even seen parents run down our school hill with a mug in their hand - seriously no one is that desperate for coffee.
And teachers are the worse offenders. They come out on playground duty with their poncey coffee thermal cups. Look at me, I'm on playground duty but I didn't have time for my morning coffee so I'm bringing it out with me. I have no concerns about children running around and the potential 2nd degree burns if they bump into me. I need my coffee.
No. You need to get a grip. Put the kettle on. Sit down and drink the bloody thing before you go about your way. Its just coffee!